"I'm a little confused." Wow, what a master of understatement. She smiled. I'm sure that I was red as a beet. I was embarassed and very close to getting angry with her. If this was some sort of elaborate tease, it was a cruel one for sure. "That's true enough. Most men are. Tell me, how long has it been since you felt attractive?" Well. That certainly caught me by surprise. To be honest, I don't know if I've ever felt attractive. Not physically anyway.

Growing up I had some real conflicting needs - - the need for attention, yet wanting to blend in to the background. I wanted people to be close to, but I wouldn't let them in. That's probably why my marriage failed - - my wife could never get inside of my head because I wouldn't let her. Some sort of trust thing. Well, anyway, I had to come up with some sort of answer....

"So, what would you consider a good reason for me to take your class?" "Because you want to sleep with the instructor." She said it with a straight face. I'm sure my chin dropped all the way to my chest before I recovered my composure. I started to laugh, thinking that she was joking, and was cut off in mid gufaw by the serious look on her face.

"You're kidding, right?" "No, I'm not. There's only one way you're going to get through this class, John, and I'm telling you what it is. You're going to have to believe that when it's all over, there's going to be a reward."

"Sure. Sounds great. I'll meet you in the lobby in 15 minutes." Cut to a Perkins. Any Perkins. They all look pretty much the same. A freshly showered couple sits in a booth at the back of the resturant. Small talk ensues. "You said you knew why I took your class," I said, by way of transition to the real reason we were here, "What did you mean by that?"
"You're trying to prove something to yourself. Recover your lost manhood. Go back to the time when you were young and in shape. You felt better then. You want to recapture that."
"I've lost my manhood, eh? What makes you think so?" "I know who you are. My sister took a college course from you once, which may explain why you said I look familiar to you, though you couldn't place me. I know a little bit about what's been going on in your life. Your divorce, for instance."

If you'll recall, I said at the top that I was 40. An 18 year marriage collapsed under me a year earlier. My fault -- I never dealt with my father's alcoholism and its effects on me. Denial was a way of life. I became more and more unrelatable to my wife and my two kids. Alcohol is only one escape from life.
There are many others. Food was one of mine. My divorce was a real wake up call. I nearly lost my job and everything else in my life without dealing with my problems, but when I lost my family, well, that was something that really got to me.
I got into therapy and began to deal with all the things going on inside my head. But I still wasn't into relationships. Too many wounds, many self inflicted, had left my heart encased in some pretty tough scar tissue. That's why I hesitated a little before saying yes to Lisa's invitation.

There I was, a 6 foot, 265 pound blob of 40 year old
insecurity and bruised ego, struggling to keep up with the rest
of the aerobics class. Sweat stung my eyes and pain radiated
from my bad knee — neither sensation was particularly noticable
compared to the pounding of my heart and the gasping sounds of my
labored breathing. Pride was the only thing which kept me on my
feet and moving.

I could tell that the instructor was watching me,
waiting for me to collapse — or perhaps trying to figure out
what I was doing in her class. It wasn’t an advanced aerobics
class, but it was more than what a beginner like me should have
been in. I signed up knowing only that I needed some structured
exercise — no one told me what I was getting into, or, more
probably, I wasn’t paying attention. Now, I was too proud to
admit that I was in a little over my head. Yes, the instructor,
a rather nicely put together brunette who appeared to be about 19
or 20, was definitely looking at me.

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